18 Things I've Learned in 18 Months of Parenting

The biggest one is that I'm going to look back on this list and realize I knew nothing. Plus recs for Jordan Bolton's illustrated stories, Liz Glazer's special, and Sam Graham-Felsen on guy friends.

Before I get into today’s newsletter, here is my standard disclaimer on parenting posts:

Today’s newsletter is all about parenting / babies. If that’s not something you’re up for reading right now, I fully get it. Rest assured that next Saturday, I will be back with your regularly scheduled goofs.

While I don’t want this to become a parenting newsletter, I do want to periodically send a dispatch about my experience of being a dad because it’s such a huge part of my current life. I’m trying to walk a fine line though of respecting my kid’s privacy and not sharing too much about them without their permission (which they’re currently unable to give due to a lack of speaking the same language as me), so I’ll try to keep this more focused on me and my experience than his. You can read previous posts about parenting here: 7 Things I've Learned About Having a Baby in the Past 7 Weeks, Three Months, 9 Months, 366 Days, What I Learned in a Week of Solo Parenting, Time Is Either Moving Very Quickly Or Very Slowly Or Neither Or Both, and Things I Wish More Parents Talked About

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I used to never understand why parents talked about how old their kids were in months. Can’t you just say he’s one year? Or, if you must, a year and a half?

Now, it seems wild to describe how old our son is as a year and a half. Things change so much and so rapidly that every month is a completely new ball game. But somehow it has been a year and a half! So here are 18 things I’ve learned in 18 months of parenting:

1. Every kid is different and unique but also all the parenting cliches turn out to be true.

2. For example, everything is a phase. It remains true that every time things seem impossibly hard or smooth and easy, it won’t stay that way for long.

3. Take notes and photos and record videos and audio. I don’t want to get so obsessive about documenting things that I’m not present in the moment, but I’m also realizing that all the little things I thought there’s no way I’d ever forget have a way of disappearing in the constant tidal wave of change. I’m so glad I can look in my journal and remember the things that used to make him laugh or his favorite foods from six months ago.

4. It’s often unbelievably hard to create a routine or to set up an expectation, but the rewards are huge. For example, doing the work it takes to get a kid to sleep through the night can be excruciating. But then it’s heaven when they do it consistently. I recently spoke with a parenting expert at Harvard who told me, “I find a lot of parenting is putting in a great deal of up front work to make parenting easy breezy lemon squeezy for the rest of their childhood.” That certainly rings true for my experience.

5. Sometimes, no matter how much work you’ve put in or how diligently you’ve created a routine, things are going to go off the rails. This often involves food and/or bodily excretions on the floor and walls.

6. There is no more surefire way to guarantee a child is going to poop than to have just changed their diaper or to already be running late and about to leave the house.

7. It’s totally normal and fully acceptable to eat the food that they didn’t eat, except if it fell into the wet trough of their bib. But even then, sometimes you gotta do what you gotta do.

8. I am not in control. You might be, I don’t know your parenting setup/skills, but I am definitely not in control.

9. Despite not being in control, the goal is to be loving while also being firm. Like any goal, it’s something to strive for, not something to constantly achieve.

10. It’s intimidating and hard to take on parenting solo, but having extended one-on-one time feels like a big accomplishment and has built a lot of parenting confidence for me.

11. The reverse is also true: getting solo time away from parenting responsibilities is an unbelievably luxurious feeling and an incredible way to recharge. I never feel more grateful and lucky than waking up at 6 a.m. and realizing I could go back to sleep. Or having time in the middle of the day where I can do whatever I want and not have any part of my brain planning how to navigate dinner/bedtime? That’s better than winning the lotto.

12. When someone offers to help or to hang out or to come over with a meal or for a meal, say yes if at all possible.

13. I say this as a straight dad, but I think it’s probably true for all parents, it can be really hard to maintain social connections when you have so much to do every day and so little free time (and the free time you do have is at inconveniently odd hours like only at 8:15 a.m. or 2:30 p.m.). This week, my friends were having a karaoke birthday party and everything about it seemed like there was no way I could go. I don’t even like karaoke! But then, despite being exhausted, I was like whatever! I’m just going to go for 30 minutes after baby bedtime and that’s better than nothing. And you know what? It was better than nothing! Way better. I was so glad I went and I was reminded that it doesn’t always have to be a big deal or exactly like how things were pre-baby for me to still feel connected and have fun.

14. It’s fun to see the most serious, intimidating strangers break into a smile when your kid waves at them.

15. This might be specific just to me and my child, but one thing I’ve learned is where every construction site and large truck is located within in a 2 mile radius of our house.

16. Parenting is really hard.

17. Parenting is really amazing and fun.

18. I still know nothing and I will almost certainly look back at this list and realize how I knew even less than I think I know now.

Ok that’s it for the parenting list, now on to this week’s recommendations (and my shows! Speaking of which, if you’re in LA, please come to my ice cream comedy show on 6/17! It’s going to be so fun!)

My projects and upcoming events:

LIVE IN LA: Wrong Answers Only - Dynasty Typewriter on Tuesday, June 17th at 7:30 p.m. Three comedians join me to learn about the science of ice cream from a chemist who invents new flavors. Come laugh at the show, get a free ice cream to taste, and learn about the future of food science. Get your tickets now (also available for livestream if you live outside LA).

PODCAST: How to Be a Better Human (TED/PRX) - If you’re thinking about a career change or on the edge of a big life transition, this episode is for you. Dawn Burrell, former Olympian and current chef, talks about navigating the ups and downs of her career and how she was able to redefine herself in a completely new field. Listen here (or wherever you get podcasts).

VIDEO: How to Be a Better Human- If you prefer video to audio (or you just want to see some very fun joke graphics and pop-up facts), check out the latest in our new video series. Nate DiMeo, host of The Memory Palace, talks about the importance and magic of learning about real people’s lives from the past.

This week’s list

GREAT:

Jordan Bolton is a Manchester-based artist who makes such moving graphic stories. The visuals aren’t particularly complex and the plot lines aren’t dramatic, but they are the kind of narratives that hit you in the gut and stick with you long afterwards. In an age when so much of what people post online is AI-generated slop, these are clearly made by a real person. They stand out. I haven’t yet read his book Blue Sky Through the Window of a Moving Car, but I loved this short piece: To The Person Who Was Sitting Near Me On The Train

FUNNY:

Liz Glazer is one of the hardest working (and funniest) standup comics I know. She’s also an easy person to root for because she’s such a great member of the community and so supportive of everyone else. So it’s a joy to watch her have a star-making week this week, getting a standing ovation on The Tonight Show and then releasing her first full-length special on YouTube. Watch them both!

INTERESTING:

I have been thinking a lot about this article on male friendship by Sam Graham-Felsen. The older I get and the more responsibilities I have, especially when it comes to parenting and childcare, the easier it is to not see friends. It’s a real challenge to stay connected, even for me, and I am like pathologically extroverted. “I have many guy friends. Why don’t we hang out more?” Where Have All My Deep Male Friendships Gone?

BONUS FOR PAYING SUBSCRIBERS:

Paying subscribers make Bright Spots possible! This newsletter will always be available for anyone to read for free, but paying subscribers let me make that happen! They also get access to special features as well the entire archive of past posts. Paying subscribers also get my undying gratitude (which never dies). It’s never too late to join them!

That's it for this week. Thanks for reading! Please share Bright Spots with anyone you think might enjoy it.

462 months old,

Chris Duffy

This has been Bright Spots, a newsletter.

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…wait, who are you?

I'm Chris Duffy, a comedian, TV writer, podcast host, and both a former fifth grade teacher and a former fifth grade student. I’m currently writing a nonfiction book about humor for Doubleday.