Things I Wish More Parents Talked About

How do you not lose yourself? How do babies produce this much drool? And so many more questions! Plus recs for Carley Moseley on birds, Conan on Hot Ones, and Alexandra Schwartz on baby-led weaning.

Hello! This week, I’ve got another post about parenting. I’m trying to make it so this newsletter doesn’t become exclusively baby talk, but having a four month old takes up a lot of my mental energy (and all the rest of my energy) so I hope it’s okay to get into the weeds every once in a while.

Four months into having our first kid is an interesting time. It’s long enough that we have some rhythms and routines down. It’s also long enough for us to understand those routines are going to last for about another 15 seconds before everything changes completely. Four months is also a short enough period of time that I can still pretty clearly remember our lives pre-baby. And I’m very aware that we have only begun to scrape the surface of what it means to be parents.

With that in mind, here are some of the things I’m thinking about these days and that I wish more parents talked about. Both because it would have been helpful for me to hear people’s thoughts on these topics when I was younger and because, right now, I’m curious how other parents, especially parents of older kids, are navigating/have navigated these issues.

So here’s my current list of things I wish more parents talked about:

1. Where Does Their Drool Come From?

   There is so much drool that comes out of this baby. I mean SO MUCH. How is that possible? How is his entire body not being drained of liquid by the amount of drool that is constantly spilling out of his mouth??? I watch him drink his bottle, so I know how much liquid goes in. And then I see my entire shoulder and two burp cloths get soaked. So I’m just trying to do the math here. Why did babies evolve to be little saliva producing factories? And why is their favorite activity positively lacquering up their hands in spit and then putting those hands all over their face?

2. Who Are You Now and Who Are You Becoming?

   I love our baby. I feel very grateful to have this opportunity. At the same time, I don’t want to get flattened into some generic idea of “a dad.” If you ever find me in the front yard tossing a baseball while grilling a steak, it means that I have been colonized by an alien brain parasite and you need to get me to a government laboratory ASAP.

   I don’t want to fit into some weird cultural idea of what a dad is supposed to be. I just want to be me. But “me” is changing. This is a huge life shift and, like any life event, it’s changing me and changing Mollie. So how do we navigate who we are now and who we’re becoming? How do we hold onto the parts of ourselves that we value and give us joy without pretending like we’re going to be the same person in the future that we were in the past? I know this is something that a lot of other people think about or struggle with but I wish more people talked about it.

3. That Having Kids or Not Having Kids Are Both Equally Valid Life Paths

   I always wanted to have a kid, but there was a period of time where, for a number of reasons, it seemed like that might not be possible. That was a challenging time, but it also let me get to a place where I felt confident that we were going to have a good, meaningful life whether it included kids or not.

   Even when I was in that place of acceptance, there was this kind of vibe that I got from a lot of parents. A vibe of “you don’t understand, the two paths are not equal. It’s tragic if you don’t choose this one.”

   And while I really love our kid so much and I’m so happy that this is the path we chose, I have to say, I didn’t believe that before having a baby and I still don’t believe it now. The tough thing about mutually exclusive life paths is that you can never fully know what your life would have been like if you’d made the other choice. What if you’d married someone else? What if you’d never gotten married? What if you’d moved to a different country? Having a baby is the same. I’ll never know what it would have been like to not have a baby. But I believe pretty strongly that it would have been good in ways that my life with a baby won’t be and it would have been hard in ways that my life with a baby won’t be. Both paths have joys and struggles. They’re not better or worse, they’re just different.

   For what it’s worth, I think a lot of parents don’t talk about the choice like this because they disagree with me! That’s not how they feel at all. I do think that having a kid provides a very clear source of meaning and purpose in your life. And all good lives include a feeling of purpose and that you’re work and effort is meaningful. But you can find those feelings without a kid too! And I know that it doesn’t diminish my love for my kid at all to acknowledge that and to talk to/about childfree people without a kind of tragic pity for them. I wished, when we didn’t have kids, that more parents at least talked about the unknowability of the alternate life path.

4. What’s Your Line Between Public and Private?

   How much do you share? What’s your story? What’s their story? Do you post photos and pictures? Do you tell family members about the diaper blowouts and the crying? Do you only share the good stuff? What goes online and what stays just between the family? I think these questions are heightened for me as a person who writes, records, and makes jokes onstage about my life. But I bet every parent these days has to navigate some shifting boundaries around private and public. I don’t hear a lot of those conversations and I’m very interested in what other people think. At the moment, I’m trying to maintain some privacy for our kid by not sharing his photo or name with strangers online. And I try to walk a mental line where I share stories about my experience as a dad but not stories that are his to tell rather than mine. It’s often blurry though and I don’t know if I’m getting it right!

5. Do You Think They See Ghosts?

   Sometimes I am holding our baby and suddenly he looks off into space very intently. I follow his gaze and it’s just a blank wall. So like… what the heck is he looking at??? Is he seeing ghosts??

I would love to hear your thoughts on any of the above! Comments are open below.

My projects and upcoming events:

LIVE IN LA: Wrong Answers Only at Dynasty Typewriter - THIS WEDNESDAY, (5/1) at 7:30 pm. This monster-themed comedy show is almost sold out! If you want to come see it in person, don’t delay! It’s me, Aparna Nancherla, Rob Haze, and Guy Branum talking with monster expert Dr. Emily Zarka. Tickets are $5 for the in-person show (but you can also watch the livestream from anywhere in the world for free). Details here

LIVE IN NYC: Wrong Answers Only at Symphony Space - Thursday, May 23rd at 7 p.m. Phoebe Robinson, Josh Gondelman, Alison Leiby, and I are going to be talking dragonflies, termites, cockroaches, and so much more with Dr. Jessica Ware, the head of invertebrate zoology at the American Museum of Natural History. Details and tickets here

PODCAST: How to Be a Better Human (TED/PRX) - Alyssa-Amor Gibbons is a Barbados-based architect who is trying to convince the world to think differently about climate resilience and the buildings we live in. She’s got such a different perspective than you often hear from people in architecture or real estate. Listen here (or wherever you get podcasts)

This week’s list

GREAT:

Carley Moseley is one of my favorite people in the world. She’s a hilarious writer for The Late Show with Stephen Colbert, she’s a talented improviser, and she’s everybody’s pal. A person who treats people exceptionally well and is also extraordinarily talented? We’re lucky to have her. Her current passion project is an unhinged and laugh out loud zine. It’s worth reading the whole thing just to admire Carley’s insistence on never drawing either bird eyes or bird feet in a book where every page is covered in drawings of birds. A+ comedy and A+ bird facts. Message Carley to ask her to send you a copy of An Illustrated Guide to Some Birds I’ve Seen Recently: Winter Edition

FUNNY:

Conan remains one of the greatest comedians of all time. His appearance on Hot Ones had me crying by the end. The fact that he brought on a full guest character, the way he commits so hard to the hot sauce bit, and his monologue about Warren G. Harding and lobster… it’s all incredible and no one other than Conan could make it work. A must watch: Conan on Hot Ones

INTERESTING:

I will read anything Alexandra Schwartz writes, but this piece about baby-led weaning was particularly interesting based on where we’re at in our family right now. It also features some spectacular pictures of babies going to town on their favorite foods. When Babies Rule the Dinner Table

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That's it for this week. Thanks for reading! Please share Bright Spots with anyone you think might enjoy it.

Staring intently at a blank wall and/or a ghost,

Chris Duffy

This has been Bright Spots, a newsletter.

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…wait, who are you?

I'm Chris Duffy, a comedian, TV writer, podcast host, and both a former fifth grade teacher and a former fifth grade student. I’m currently writing a nonfiction book about humor for Doubleday.