The Topics Middle Schoolers Want to Hear Standup About

Ashley Brooke Roberts polls a study hall and unlocks a whole new level of comedy. Plus recs for Kevin Perjurer on Disney, Julia Johns and Marlena Rodriguez joking about chemo, and snake science.

Jan 06, 2024

A NOTE FROM CHRIS: I am currently out on parental leave. Each week, a new celebrity guest writer is taking over Bright Spots. This week’s newsletter is being written by Ashley Brooke Roberts. Ashley is a hilarious standup comedian, an award-winning journalist, and one of the best writers I’ve ever had the pleasure of working with. Ashley really can do it all. One time she led a disaster preparedness class in my NYC apartment that was equal parts important survival information and comedy crowd work. She teaches standup to kids, got hand-picked to be part of a cohort of artists working on climate change, and has written numerous pieces of romantic fiction. A Renaissance woman if ever there was one!

Speaking of which, Ashley’s newest romantic fantasy audio series, A Prophecy of Incense and Snow, is coming out on January 8th and you can listen to the trailer on Apple or Spotify and subscribe! You can also sign up for Ashley’s very own newsletter, Hounds on An Island, here.

Ok, enough from me, now let’s hand it over to Ashley….

ASHLEY TAKES OVER BRIGHT SPOTS:

For the past few months, I (Ashley) have worked at a private alternative learning school in West Hollywood, which is a fancy way to say, I tell famous people’s kids to put their phones away. I wear a lot of hats there: I run the Learning Lab (you olds may remember it as Study Hall), I’m the in-house sub when we’re short a teacher or two, and I’m the non-official cupcake taster for culinary class. War is hell.

Recently, I was booked to perform at a venue close to the school. At one point during the day of the show, somewhere between helping a kid divide fractions and absolutely dominating an 8th grader in a game of chess, I began to wonder what the students thought my stand up set should cover. None of them could attend, they are ten to thirteen years old, respectively, but I was curious what juicy topics they would want me to include. I had to find out, so I polled my fifth period class and asked, “What do you think I should write jokes about?”

Dear friends, colleagues, and sworn enemies, these young scholars did not disappoint. Here are the top five, unedited, joke-topic-requests from the 6th grade:

The voice of Google Maps: if they were a real person, how terrible their life must be, the weird things they hear us say. I wonder if they’ve ever been in love.
Coyote milk: is it real? How can we get some today?
Chipotle workers wrapping burritos: gotta be the hardest part of the job, they really put muscle into it. I would never be hired; my arms are too weak. Look at my tiny arms [Proceeds to walk around the classroom comparing forearms to other students and bemoaning the fact they have never won an arm-wrestling contest, not even once.]
Why has no one ever seen Santa Claus’ feet?
Haunted diners in the desert: you know when you’re on a road trip and you haven’t seen anything for a long time and you finally see a diner, but you know it’s cursed You’re starving and your little brother needs to pee, so your family makes you stop there. You walk in and can tell something weird is going on. The whole place gives you the creeps. You should talk about that.

Please keep an eye out for my new special, “Who Spilled Coyote Milk on Santa’s Feet?” coming next fall.

This week’s list (Ashley’s Version)

GREAT:

Sometimes I worry that I talk about Disney too much, but I don’t think it counts if you’re talking about someone who is talking about Disney. This week’s Great goes to the indomitable Kevin Perjurer of Defunctland fame. His YouTube channel started as quick vids exploring, “stories of defunct rides, parks, and themed entertainment experiences” and has developed into in-depth, long-form works of art. Yes, ART. He just released Journey to EPCOT Center: A Symphonic History, which was an absolute treat, but his deep-dive into the Disney Channel’s four-note theme last year was a haunting exploration of what it means to be an artist.

FUNNY:

You know that Mark Twain quote about comedy everyone loves? The “humor is tragedy plus time” one? Well, I hate it. Always have. So, sue me! As a lifelong depressive, I scoff at anything that glorifies misfortune, sadness, etc. in the pursuit of creative expression. I’ll write an essay about it one day, but until then: I’m not saying there’s no truth to the quote, I’m just saying it’s not for me!

And yet, here we are, in the Funny section of the newsletter and all I can think about is two brilliant friends who have made excellent comedy detailing their battles with breast cancer. Comedian Julia Johns currently has a touring show about her experience, “A Tale of Two Titties” that I cannot recommend enough. Check out the schedule here and buy some merch here. And comedian Marlena Rodriguez is disrupting your scrolling with hilarious shorts filmed during the height of her chemo treatments like this one about what to do with your sparse hair.

INTERESTING:

Snakes have clits. Science just confirmed it’s true. Female snakes have a clitoris, and some have TWO. (Read that again in a Dr. Seuss voice and contact me if you are a children’s book publisher who wants to release a series about animal parts). Very exciting news for clit enthusiasts everywhere. My favorite part of this article was when the lady scientist was like, “I was surprised no one had discovered a snake’s clit before and then I remembered that science basically only studies males! No one cares about a woman’s anatomy, but I do. I really, really do.”

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That's it for this week. Thanks for reading! Please share Bright Spots with anyone you think might enjoy it.

Bemoaning the fact I have never won an arm-wrestling contest,

Chris Duffy (but mostly Ashley Brooke Roberts!)

This has been Bright Spots, a newsletter.

FOR MORE FROM ASHLEY: Listen/subscribe to A Prophecy of Incense and Snow! Check out Ashley’s very own, hilarious but sporadic newsletter, Hounds on an Island! Go see Ashley perform live or send her a fan letter or hire her to write for your TV show on her website!

…wait, who are you?

I'm Chris Duffy, a comedian, TV writer, podcast host, and both a former fifth grade teacher and a former fifth grade student. I’m currently writing a nonfiction book about humor for Doubleday.