Eating Lettuce on a Cruise Ship
A report from Carley Moseley about life as an improviser on the high seas. Plus recs for Olivia Nielsen's writing, Nnamdi Ngwe, Maria Randazzo, and Emma Pope, and Lulu Miller on why fish don't exist.
A NOTE FROM CHRIS: I have been sending out Bright Spots (or previous iterations) for over a decade now and in that time I have never missed a week! But, as you may have noticed, there was no email last Saturday…
That’s because my son decided he wanted to be born almost a month ahead of schedule. It’s just like that classic saying goes: Man makes plans and baby laughs, then pees all over the wall.
This is Mollie and my first kid and we’re completely overwhelmed (in the good and bad ways), so I’m calling on some of my funniest/smartest/kindest pals to fill in with guest editions of the newsletter while I figure out how to do things like “respond to an email,” “maintain even the bare minimum standards of hygiene,” or “not fall asleep while writing this paragraph.”
It’s not lost on me that there’s a hilarious irony that in the decade I’ve been writing this email, I have sent exactly one (1) edition that has ever gone viral and it was the last one of these that went out, Holiday Recipes Dictated by Kindergartners. But you know what? Some things are more important than capitalizing on a flood of new subscribers! Like changing diapers and getting peed on, which I had heard about, but really does happen so much more than you could possibly expect.
If you are new and liked the kindergarten recipe piece, you might also enjoy some classics from the archive, like A 5th Grade Food Critic or Anonymous Health Class Questions. I’m bringing those temporarily out from behind the paywall, so anyone can read.
Ok now on to the newsletter, written by Emmy-nominated writer, hilarious comedian, and all-around great person Carley Moseley!
CARLEY TAKES OVER BRIGHT SPOTS:
Once I (Carley) lived on a cruise ship for four months, and whatever that conjures in your imagination, congratulations—you are absolutely correct! In no particular order, our ship had: water slides, DJs, a morgue, a jail, thousands of people (referred to officially as “souls” which is—again, you are correct—horrifying), not one but TWO Dutch magicians, a nightclub for adults, a nightclub for children (see: reaction to “souls”), a woodshop, a guy named Karl would tease women by chasing them around and tickling them (sending best wishes that Karl has since been lost at sea!) and a nautical shitload of Pitbull’s vodka (Voli) (™).
I spent my nights performing improv and my days trying to digest lettuce that was served on a bed of chilled bleach at the Garden Buffet. I’d get my hair cut in the stair well by a Croatian acrobat while drinking a Trash Bellini (a two dollar bottle of wine from crew bar mixed with Capri Sun) as the unbelievably attractive cast of Cirque du Soleil got drunk and did flips down the interior thoroughfare of the ship. I also read one book!
But it wasn’t all “party, party, try to process this lettuce.” I also worked a part time gig as an Art Auctioneer Assistant. The job was: an auctioneer named Barry would yell at a bunch of Dads (who were on spring break with their current families) to buy photographs that had been printed as big posters. But not just any big posters—expensive ones! Posters about sail boats! Posters about shrimp! We had ‘em all, or at least, a pretty big supply of those two! My role was to Assist, which meant occasionally handing a cardboard tube to a Dad and saying something like, “Enjoy your shrimp print!” It felt great to be finally using my art history degree, and #Pitbull’s Voli™ wasn’t gonna’ pay for itself.
Anyway, I realized recently that those four months were ten full years ago, and what better way to commemorate that milestone than by getting straight to This Week’s List:
This week’s list (Carley’s Version)
GREAT:
Olivia Nielsen is great. She is funny as hell and also KIND as hell! She is my dear friend from our shared Chicago days, and I love her. She recently rebooted the her newsletter, The Honeypot, and I highly recommend a follow! But only if you like wonderful newsletters!
FUNNY:
Instagram can be a really terrible place but the three reasons I keep my account are: Nnamdi Ngwe, Maria Randazzo, and Emma Pope. They are all so funny, and also why my algorithm thinks I’m way cooler than I am.
INTERESTING:
Lulu Miller’s “Why Fish Don’t Exist” came out in 2020 and, all these decades later, it holds up! It is about grief and history and somehow also fish science, and it is really beautiful. If you read it please let me know because I’m desperate to talk about it.
BONUS FOR PAYING SUBSCRIBERS:
Paying subscribers make Bright Spots possible! Subscribers get access to special features as well as all posts in the archive. They also get Chris’ undying gratitude (which never dies). It’s never too late to join them!
That's it for this week. Thanks for reading! Please share Bright Spots with anyone you think might enjoy it.
Enjoy your shrimp print,
Chris Duffy (but mostly Carley Moseley!!)
This has been Bright Spots, a newsletter.
FOR MORE FROM CARLEY: Follow her on Instagram and send her a direct message to get on the list for her “winter bird zine,” which is an incredible handmade publication about… you guessed it… winter birds.
…wait, who are you?
I'm Chris Duffy, a comedian, TV writer, podcast host, and both a former fifth grade teacher and a former fifth grade student. I’m currently writing a nonfiction book about humor for Doubleday.