Some Ways to Help L.A. That Don't Involve Deploying the Military
Plus recs for Dan Sinker on caring, Ben Palmer trolling, and Margaret Sullivan on the power of protest.
Hello!
If you happen to be the President of the United States of America, a senior military official, or nefarious and powerful figure pulling the strings from the shadows, might I offer you some suggestions?
Here are some ways you could address emergencies in Los Angeles that don’t involve deploying the military:
Have the Army Corps of Engineers study the design of every Trader Joe’s parking lot and then deploy that technology against our enemies.
Send in a massive surge of federal employees with brooms to sweep up the purple Jacaranda flowers that are currently falling all across the city, the only true aerial invasion we face.
Make sunscreen more affordable.
Give a tax refund to anyone willing to submit a “self-tape audition” to the IRS
Invent a single item of clothing that keeps you warm in the morning and evening but cool during the middle of the day.
Establish a citywide network of translators who can help acquaintances understand whether “let’s get lunch soon!” means the person actually wants to make plans or is telling you they hope to never see you again.
Give the Presidential Medal of Freedom to the shirtless guy who bikes up and down the Venice boardwalk every morning saying “Good morning, champion!” to everyone he passes.
Actually test the soil in areas that were burned by the LA wildfires for toxic chemicals.
Create a National Breakfast Burrito certification program, so consumers can immediately understand whether they’re getting something made with a fresh tortilla or a disgusting whole wheat wrap from the supermarket.
Teach children in all public schools that Hollywood as a concept and Hollywood as an actual neighborhood are two distinct and vastly different situations. Only education can prevent Americans from visiting the intersection of Hollywood and Highland.
Convene a panel of linguists to answer, once and for all, how “Los Feliz” is pronounced.
Call for a six month moratorium on comparing NYC to LA.
Provide counseling services and mental health support for anyone who has waited more than 30 minutes in line for a coffee.
Stop harrassing, attacking, and disappearing our neighbors, friends, and coworkers. Instead, provide a practical, achievable path to citizenship and legalization.
Figure out the whole deal with Scientology and also Courage Bagels.
Sincerely,
A guy who lives in L.A. and can clearly see the obvious that there is no need for Marines and the U.S. military in our city.
My projects and upcoming events:
LIVE IN LA: Wrong Answers Only - THIS TUESDAY at Dynasty Typewriter, June 17th at 7:30 p.m. Comedians Aparna Nancherla, Alyssa Limperis, and Lily Du join me to learn about ice cream from a food scientist who invents new flavors. Come laugh at the show, get a free ice cream to taste, and learn about the future of frozen desserts. Get your tickets now (also available for livestream if you live outside LA).
PODCAST/VIDEO: How to Be a Better Human (TED/PRX) - Heather Havrilesky is one of my favorite writers. Her “existential advice column,” Ask Polly, consistently makes me laugh and also think differently about life. This week, on the podcast, she and I had a conversation about what it means to be yourself, creatively and unapologetically. We also talked about why self-help is so often BS. Listen to the podcast here: “Your best self is the same as your worst self” or if you’d prefer, here’s a link to the video on YouTube.
PODCAST GUEST SPOTS: I was also a guest on two great podcasts that came out this week:
In character with John Moe on his hilarious podcast designed to help you doze off, Sleeping With Celebrities: Chris Duffy and the Joy of Sox
Chatting with my good buds Sophie and Jess for their hilarious podcast Chompin’: Episode 102 - Chris Duffy - The Great British Bake Off
This week’s list
GREAT:
I’ve been thinking a lot about this essay by Dan Sinker since I read it. It’s about AI and what it means when people outsource their work and thinking to machines. But, much more broadly, it’s also an argument against throwing up our hands and deciding that nothing matters. According to Dan, we’re in the Who Cares Era, which means that the most radical thing you can do is to put in effort. To put yourself out there and care. The Who Cares Era
FUNNY:
Ben Palmer is a comedian whose work, in his own words, “often involves elaborate pranks, such as impersonating customer service agents, creating fake court cases to appear on TV, or pretending to be a journalist to trick CEOs and multilevel marketing figures.” He’s making absolutely hilarious videos that are also often excellent journalism. this piece, where he somehow ends up as a close business associate of a right wing politician is so funny and captures so much of what is deeply broken about politics today. You have to watch it to believe it. When a US Congressman made me his right hand man
INTERESTING:
If you’re reading this on Saturday and you’re in the United States, it’s almost certainly not too late to participate in one of the thousands of “No Kings” protests taking place today. It can be easy to think that protesting is only symbolic or doesn’t actually make a difference, but the research is crystal clear. Erica Chenoweth, a Harvard researcher, published a study that shows that “once 3.5% of the population became engaged in sustained and non-violent campaigns of resistance, change has always happened.” Margaret Sullivan in The Guardian has an excellent report: Why are the media ignoring growing resistance to Trump?
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That's it for this week. Thanks for reading! Please share Bright Spots with anyone you think might enjoy it.
Stick together and don’t give in to bullies,
Chris Duffy
This has been Bright Spots, a newsletter.
…wait, who are you?
I'm Chris Duffy, a comedian, TV writer, podcast host, and both a former fifth grade teacher and a former fifth grade student. I’m currently writing a nonfiction book about humor for Doubleday.