I Am Constantly Trying for Five Stars

It doesn't matter if I'm the one paying, I still desperately need you to like me. An investigation. Plus recs for Classy with Jonathan Menjivar, Joe Pera's special, and a look inside Kabul's hotels.

The service technician from Spectrum showed up right on time. He fixed my internet issues immediately. He was polite and friendly. As far as a visit from a repairman can go, it was about as a good as it can go.

But the best part of the visit wasn’t when he fixed our problems. It was when he accepted the bottle of water I offered him and said “I appreciate you” in a tone that made me believe he genuinely thought I was a good guy.

That’s all that I am in it for. If this repairman had kicked a giant hole in the wall and then left, I would have been conflicted. As long as he gave me the approval I so desperately crave… it’d be hard to write that one off as a full loss.

I’ve never related more to a joke than John Mulaney’s mayor bit:

One place this shows up most explicitly for me is on the ride share apps. I’m going to show you my greatest pride and my greatest shame. First, my greatest pride. This is my rider rating from Lyft:

5 stars. A perfect rating. I feel more pride about this screenshot than I do about my college diploma.

That’s an accomplishment that has taken almost a full decade of small talk, being extremely careful to never slam a door, and always being out by the curb ahead of schedule.

Just this weekend, Mollie and I were taking a Lyft back from the airport and I mistimed my ride request so the driver got there 2 minutes before we did. I think I probably apologized to this man 40 times in the 30 minute car ride. I complimented his driving style and made sure that he knew I would DEFINITELY be leaving a tip. And you know what? Thankfully my five star rating is still intact.

Unfortunately that’s not the case everywhere else. Because here is my greatest shame, a torment that keeps me awake at night: my Uber rating.

WHY?

WHAT HAVE I DONE WRONG?

WHY WOULD A JUST AND LOVING GOD ALLOW SUFFERING LIKE THIS?

I’m so close and yet so far. Point zero six. Did I laugh too loud? Did I not laugh enough? Was I wearing the wrong kind of deodorant?

I’ll never know what happened. But I know that every day from now until my death I will fight to bring that rating back up. I believe it is statistically impossible to return to a 5.0 average, but as the great Michael Jordan once said, “When it comes to a compulsive need to be liked by a stranger just looking to make money and drive their car in peace, impossible is nothing.”

Substack does not currently allow for ratings out of 5 stars, but if you comment “5 stars” or “5/5” or “5.0 out of 5.0” under this post, it would mean a lot to me.

My projects and upcoming events:

PODCAST: How to Be a Better Human (TED/PRX)- Christian Cooper, one of the world’s most famous birders, explains how to get into the pastime and the ways it’s improved his life. Plus he does an amazing impression of his favorite bird call. Hear it all here

LIVE IN LA: WRONG ANSWERS ONLY (LabX)- THIS WEDNESDAY! 7:30 p.m. October 11th at Dynasty Typewriter. Join me, Lauren Lapkus, Paul F. Tompkins, and Zac Oyama as we learn the economics of impulse buying from Dr. Alison Sanchez! Tickets for both the in-person event and the simultaneous livestream (which you can watch from anywhere) are on sale now!

LIVE IN NYC: WRONG ANSWERS ONLY (LabX)- Thursday, November 9th at Caveat. In this NYC show, we’re going to learn all about the science of swarms with three of NYC’s funniest comedians and NJIT’s Dr. Simon Garnier. Tickets and details here

This week’s list

GREAT:

Jonathan Menjivar has worked at some of the most prestigious institutions in audio, places like This American Life, Fresh Air, and Pineapple Street Media. His professional and personal experiences kept bringing him back to questions about class. As he describes it, he was “a blue-collar Latino kid who started working in media and became someone who likes oysters, wears cashmere socks, and is very conflicted about all of it.” Class is a topic that people do not want to talk about. It’s messy and awkward and uncomfortable. And that’s what makes his new podcast, Classy, stand out. “A show about the chasms between us that are really hard to talk about, but too big to ignore.” I binged the whole podcast in a day, which is something I don’t think I’ve ever done before. Check it out! I want more people to talk about it with. Classy with Jonathan Menjivar

FUNNY:

There is no one else in standup like Joe Pera. He’s an iconoclast. Who else could put out a special that’s specifically intended for audiences to fall asleep to? And who else but Joe could follow that up with a beloved TV series that spent entire episodes on topics like pancakes, learning how to iron, or reading the announcements at church? He’s hilarious and absolutely one of a kind. When I was living in NYC and first started doing comedy there, I’d sometimes run into Joe at the public rec center gym. He was just as soft-spoken and mild-mannered in person, but he’d also be doing bicep curls with 50lb weights. That’s neither here nor there but I’ll never forget it. The mannerisms of a grandfather and the biceps of a college athlete. Joe’s new special came out this weekend on YouTube and it’s just as impressive as his fitness routine. Joe Pera: Slow & Steady

INTERESTING:

“The Intercontinental in Kabul was Afghanistan's first luxury hotel. Once the site of legendary parties, the hotel is now in the hands of the Taliban, and their fighters are supposed to work with outsiders.” The photographer Elise Blanchard and the journalist Andreas Babst report on a small slice of life in Kabul that’s representative of much larger forces. While the world may have turned away from Afghanistan yet again, the people who live there are figuring out what comes next. “Young men share an office with young fighters they once feared, and young fighters sit next to young men they once despised. A lot depends on this experiment. It will help determine whether peace will remain, whether there might be reconciliation, or at least a normal life – together, as best as possible.” Inside the Taliban's luxury hotel

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That's it for this week. Thanks for reading! Please share Bright Spots with anyone you think might enjoy it.

Thanking you profusely for reading, opening the car door after carefully checking traffic, and very respectfully closing it once again,

Chris Duffy

This has been Bright Spots, a newsletter.

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…wait, who are you?

I'm Chris Duffy, a comedian, TV writer, podcast host, and both a former fifth grade teacher and a former fifth grade student.