Everyone's Heading to IKEA

Doing loops in a Swedish substitute for the outdoors. Plus recs for 100 foot wave, John Early captions, and George Kontaroudis' passive house architecture.

When I first moved to Los Angeles, I ate three of my first five meals at the Burbank IKEA. That’s partly because I kept forgetting necessary items and having to go back. It’s also partly because their veggie dog with all the fixings is a criminally underrated food item. I’m not even a vegetarian. They have just created a masterpiece with the perfect mix of crispy onions, tart fermented cabbage, and other condiments on top.

It’s 10 av 10, which is what Google Translate tells me is “10 out of 10” in Swedish. My wife Mollie also tells me that IKEA is pronounced EE-KAY-UH in Sweden, not EYE-KEE-UH like we pronounce it here. How does she know that? I couldn’t tell you. I assume she is either secretly fluent in Swedish or a Scandinavian told it to her once in passing.

Here’s an unhinged promo video I found online for the veggie dog, where it’s advertised as a much-needed friend for the lonely regular hot dog and then veers into an existential meditation on what it even means to be a hot dog in the first place.

Moving on from the veggie dog, and back to the story at hand…

I returned to the Burbank IKEA this past weekend because the air quality was still iffy from wildfire smoke and I was desperate for something to do indoors with a kid that would also allow for a mix of stroller walking and free crawl. A friend suggested IKEA and I laughed at first and then I realized they were a genius. The Swedes have given us a gift that’s more than just low cost furniture. They’ve also given us a giant indoor world. It’s a self-contained ecosystem like a casino without the gambling and the drinking (although, I actually do think they sell wine).

I was not the only one who had this idea. IKEA was full of families who clearly had no interest in buying a new dining room table, but were interested in letting their toddlers sprint in circles around it. There were so many families inside that at one point, I saw a young childless gay couple turn to each other and say “What is happening? Is this some sort of event?”

In a way, it was an event. The event was “the world is a disaster, our city is literally burning, and our air is potentially toxic so let’s pretend we’re in Sweden for 90 minutes and then eat a plate of meatballs.”

My personal highlights were:

• How big the IKEA was

• How much time walking through the IKEA took up

• The part of the IKEA where they had put down fake grass and made it look like outside and a bunch of kids were just crawling in circles around this fake water pump and hose that were there for some reason

• Eating the plant-based IKEA meatballs, which were not as good as the veggie dog but still very good

• The fact that when my kid ate the plant balls with me, I could use the same high chair that we use at home since it’s an IKEA product and I didn’t have to figure out some new weird high chair

• The fact that IKEA sells a stuffed bear named Djungelskog, which I think more human children should be named

• Relatedly, that IKEA has a shelf named the GRUNDTAL

• The fact that the IKEA was not on fire and while walking around, I could pretend that nowhere nearby was on fire and that the only problems in the world had to do with whether my Flärdfull will go with my Knutstorp.

All in all, it was a 10 av 10 experience. Thank you, Sweden, for a few glorious hours of escape. I will never complain about your complicated assembly procedures again.

My projects and upcoming events:

LIVE IN SF: Wrong Answers Only at SF Sketchfest - TOMORROW! Sunday, January 26th at 7:00 p.m. at the Gateway Theater. If you live in the Bay Area, come see me, Samm Levine, Aparna Nancherla, and Dulcé Sloan learn from a wildlife biologist about all the animals that are roaming through your city. Still a few tickets available here!

LIVE IN LA: Wrong Answers Only at Dynasty Typewriter - Monday, February 10th at 7:30 p.m. Just in time for Valentine’s Day, we’re going to be interviewing a professor who studies love and attraction. Join me, Karen Chee, and Lisa Gilroy as we uncover the comedy and mystery of romance. Tickets are onsale now.

LIVE IN NYC: How to Be a Better Human live at On Air Fest - Thursday, February 20th at 3:30 p.m. I’m excited to be part of one of the biggest podcasting festivals and even more excited to be interviewing the new host of Normal Gossip for a special live taping all about how to tell a juicy story. Tickets to the fest are pricey, but if you’re already going to be there, please stop by our show!

This week’s list

GREAT:

I’m mourning the environmental destruction of the past few weeks, where in addition to the human cost and the damage to property, the fires (and the efforts to control them) have washed all sorts of toxins out into the Pacific Ocean. As a result, I won’t be surfing or swimming at the beaches here anytime soon. But nothing can stop me from falling deep into a rabbit hole of photos and documentaries about the power and the beauty of the waves here. From just before the fires: a surfer riding what might be the biggest wave ever recorded. And if that piques your interest, I strongly recommend watching the documentary 100 Foot Wave.

FUNNY:

I don’t think there’s any performer out there today who is more naturally charismatic and hilarious than John Early. There is nothing he can’t make funny. Even just entering on a late night show, he gets a laugh before saying a word (once he confidently walked the wrong direction, away from the host and into a wall). So it’s no surprise that given a blank cartoon and asked to caption it, Early can make magic. John Early captions New Yorker cartoons (h/t Mollie)

INTERESTING:

My friends Meg and George are two of the most intellectually interesting and creatively talented people I know. Meg is a documentary filmmaker and ceramicist who also runs a communal space for pottery in Brooklyn. George is an architect and one of the leading proponents of the “passive house” movement, which aims to combat climate change and lower energy use through building design. They were recently profiled in an article about a home they’re building in George’s native Greece. It’s a look at environmentally-friendly, disaster-resistant, future-thinking architecture that’s not just for multimillionaires. The Challenge: Building a Passive House on a Greek Island

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That's it for this week. Thanks for reading! Please share Bright Spots with anyone you think might enjoy it.

From your plant-based, tube-shaped BFF,

Chris Duffy

This has been Bright Spots, a newsletter.

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…wait, who are you?

I'm Chris Duffy, a comedian, TV writer, podcast host, and both a former fifth grade teacher and a former fifth grade student. I’m currently writing a nonfiction book about humor for Doubleday.