How to Make Friends
I have an audiobook coming out about how to make friends (and keep them). Plus recs for Kelsey McKinney on Longform, Yoni Brenner's middle-aged dreams, and Damien Cave's family going analog.
Two years ago, I got a text message saying “How do you make friends? This is not a joke.”
At first, I didn’t know what to write back. But then, as I thought more, I realized I actually do have quite a bit to say on the topic. Spoiler alert: I wrote a whole damn audiobook about it and it’s coming out this Wednesday.
I’ve always been an extreme extrovert. I love to meet new people and I love to hear people’s stories. My idea of a perfect night is being surrounded by people laughing and having a good time. It’s easier to make friends and meet people if you get energized by spending time in large groups of people. It’s harder if the idea of a big group conversation is exhausting.
But I think there’s a lot more to it than that.
To me, the biggest ingredients in creating a friendship are making sure you cross paths repeatedly and letting them know that you enjoy spending time with them. Both are easier said then done!
There’s a reason most people find it easier to make friends when we’re in high school or college. If you have a fun little interaction with someone, where you’re both laughing about the sheer quantity of hard boiled eggs in the salad bar, you know you’re going to cross paths with them in the cafeteria again. You can build on those egg-based interactions and slowly, naturally, become more comfortable and get to know each other outside of prepared foods.
In the real world, if you have a fun little salad bar exchange, you’re never going to see that person again unless they work at the salad bar OR you take the initiative and awkwardly ask to exchange information so you can go on a friend date.
It’s hard to put yourself out there and be vulnerable like that! It’s hard, when you don’t know someone well, to say “hey, you seem fun! Can we do this again please?” But the more you try it, the more you’re likely to discover that people like being complimented and if you had fun with them, they probably had fun with you too.
It’s also possible to create lower stakes ways to cross paths with people repeatedly. This is one of the reasons why rec sports leagues are so popular. If you’re at the softball game each week, you’re probably going to get to know the other softball players. (I assume. I’m not speaking from experience. I hate organized sports and I’m so bad at them that I know if I joined a softball team it would only end in me having 8 new enemies.)1
You can also accomplish the same thing by going to a coffee shop or a bar at the same time every day and becoming a regular. Or spending time consistently at the library. I’ve made friends at the public pool and at a nearly 100 year old club in Los Angeles based around a shared love of eating breakfast.
So many of my closest friendships in recent years have come from comedy because it’s a small world and we cross paths over and over.
Just crossing paths isn’t enough. Almost everyone gets in their own head and has some level of insecurity or nervousness about crossing that initial line between stranger and “person whose name I know.” So introduce yourself! Be the one to make the first move. “Hey! I’m Chris, by the way.” is the single most important sentence in my friendmaking toolbox. You shouldn’t use Chris though. Use your own name. That will make things easier.
There’s a lot more to say but I think consistency and affirmation are at the core.
I’ve been thinking about the mechanics of how this all works a lot over the past year because I’ve been working on a longform nonfiction piece for Everand about the importance of friends, acquaintances, and other nonromantic relationships. It’s called Let’s Hang Out and it gets published this Wednesday.
In case you’re confused, yes, I have also been writing a nonfiction book about humor. In fact, I’m getting increasingly close to having a full first draft of that. That book will be out in 2025. But as many authors have told me, it’s important to have a side writing project to cheat on your main writing project with. So that’s what this is!
Let’s Hang Out isn’t a book, per se. It’s an audiobook or an e-book. It’s longer than an essay and shorter than a nonfiction book in bookstores. The comedian Chris Gethard has written several of these and he calls them “mini-books.” I think that feels about right.
How do you keep people in your life? Why don’t we have names for the people who are more than acquaintances but aren’t quite friends? Why are 500 Parisians eating together in the middle of the street? These are all questions I answer in the mini-book.
I hope you’ll listen or check it out online. I also hope you’ll make friends with someone at a salad bar. Read Let’s Hang Out and then let’s hang out in 2025 once I’m done with the other book too.
My projects and upcoming events:
LIVE IN SAN FRANCISCO: Wrong Answers Only at The Independent - Sunday, June 30th at 7 p.m. Join comedians Josh Sharp, Aparna Nancherla, Joanna Hausmann, and me for a hilarious night of laughing and learning about dark matter and the formation of the universe with Stanford’s Dr. Risa Wechsler. Details and tickets here
PODCAST: How to Be a Better Human (TED/PRX) - Kelly Corrigan has been called “the Poet Laureate of the ordinary.” Kelly writes beautifully about the daily dedication of friendship and family. This week on the podcast, we talk about her idea that it takes extraordinary courage to show up for the people we love (and that we all have that courage).
AUDIOBOOK: Let's Hang Out: Making (and Keeping) Friends, Acquaintances, and Other Nonromantic Relationships - I wrote a longform piece for Everand about the ways that other people make our lives better, healthier, and more fun. It gets published this Wednesday (June 26th) and you can listen to the audiobook or read the e-book for free with a 60-day trial. The promo code is ChrisDuffy60 but if you click this link it should automatically fill out that code when you create an account.
This week’s list
GREAT:
I learned this week that the Longform podcast is shutting down after more than a decade of interviews. It’s one of the places where I have learned the most about writing (and how to make a living as a writer). Despite working in podcasting, I don’t listen to many podcasts myself. But there are several episodes of Longform that I have come back to over and over again. The show really is a gift to anyone looking to have a career in a creative field. Even as they wind down the show, they’re still putting out incredible episodes. Kelsey McKinney, writer and host of Normal Gossip, is so funny and charming. She also drops some very big insights about how to be strategic about the business of creativity. I already know I’ll be listening to this one again. Kelsey McKinney on the Longform Podcast
FUNNY:
Every once in a while I read a comedy piece that skewers me so precisely it feels like a personal attack. This is laugh out loud funny and also painfully accurate. The sexy nurse who wants to hear your opinions about current events. The bad babysitter who admires your unpublished novel. Four hours alone in an airport lounge. Yoni Brenner: Middle-Age Fantasies
INTERESTING:
I read this article several weeks ago and didn’t think it would stick with me, but it keeps rattling around in my brain. The image of the future King of England backpacking in the wilderness. The handwritten letters between family members. The idea that escaping technology completely and having an adventure is still possible. Damien Cave is a Pulitzer Prize finalist and opened the NYT’s Australia bureau. This is a piece about his family’s experience with a legendary Australian boarding school: What We Gained (and Lost) When Our Daughter Unplugged for a School Year
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That's it for this week. Thanks for reading! Please share Bright Spots with anyone you think might enjoy it.
You gotta admit, that’s a lot of eggs!
Chris Duffy
This has been Bright Spots, a newsletter.
…wait, who are you?
I'm Chris Duffy, a comedian, TV writer, podcast host, and both a former fifth grade teacher and a former fifth grade student. I’m currently writing a nonfiction book about humor for Doubleday.
I just googled “how many people on a softball team”
dear chris,
great piece! and congrats on your mini-book!
compelling questions!: "How do you keep people in your life? Why don’t we have names for the people who are more than acquaintances but aren’t quite friends? Why are 500 Parisians eating together in the middle of the street? These are all questions I answer in the mini-book."
thanks for sharing, friend!
love
myq